TITLE: Beauty Marked: Except Paulina's mole
LOGO: "It puts the “evil” in medieval!"
EPISODE #: 34
SEASON: 2
AIRDATE: Feb. 24, 2006
DIRECTOR: Butch Hartman, Wincat Alcala, Kevin Petrilak
WRITERS: Marty Isenberg
STORYBOARD: Butch Hartman, Ben Balistreri, Fred Reyes
ART DIRECTIONS: George Goodchild
MUSIC: Guy Moon
APPEARANCE: Danny, Sam, Tucker, Paulina, Star, and the rest of Casper High chicks, Dash and Kwan, Lancer
GHOST APPEARANCE: Prince Aragon (1st), Dorathea the Dragon Ghost Girl
FENTON GADGET APPEARANCE: Surprisingly nothing new. Just the Specter Speeder
LESSON: I think this episode already manhandled an obvious moral here, so why ham-fist another?
SUMMARY: "Girls, do you dream of being a princess? Of wearing beautiful gowns and jewelries? Of charming and beguiling that special prince?"Dora Mattingly, a beautiful blond woman in a beautiful light blue dress (with scales, hint hint) and a large, laaaaaaaaarge green ring announces on Casper High’s auditorium stage of the upcoming "Miss Teenage Happy Princess Beauty Pageant." And if that isn’t further emphasized; there’s stars and pink and purple everywhere. Nearly all the girls flock like swans. All except the remorseful Sam who gags at the whole idea ("I hate this more then I hate the morning sun.") Beautiful acting, Grey. So stoic, yet so irritated. Tucker on the other hand is ecstatic ("But it’s got a swimsuit contest!"). He and the other boys are quick to pleading their allegiance as judge for the contest when Dora asks for one.
Strangely missing is Danny. Or should that be the opposite since it should be taken for granted by this point. Danny is facing off a medieval executioner ghost who adorns a giant ax. Danny makes some lame ax pun, we see a quick second of him splitting in two (nice), then he gets roped. The Ax Ghost hogties his leg and flies him onto the auditorium. He quickly turns human by the time he lands on stage (they were both invisible prior). Dora quickly chooses Danny, thinking him to the perfect "common boy to appeal to the mass". Watching all this from his dank chambers is Prince Aragon who quickly turns into a dragon that’ll make Maleficent proud...and probably have an evilgasm.
Only two hours since his announcement as judge and already the girls swarm at Danny, offering him cookies and homework all the way through the next semester. Dash is displeased all the hotties are lingering over to him, but the girls quickly take care of that. Take one angry woman, then imagine a stampede of them. Bonus points if they’re on PMS. Being judge’s best friend, Tucker takes the time to date all the ladies he can get, an entire profile of the contestants in his PDA. He’s shocked when he finds Sam on the list. I’m gonna assume he downloaded this off on the school's internet page, otherwise he should have known Sam was one when he worked the profile himself. Sam clarifies she’s entering the contest and all the children of Casper High are in shock. All but Danny and Tucker who laugh it off as a joke. But wait, Sam has a purpose for joining; she wants to make a statement.
"Well, here’s a statement: I’ll never win in this outfit!" Dora tells all the other high school gals later on. Sam’s message to prove women can be independent young ladies with strong opinions are cut short when Dora debunks her and all the shallow chicks follow. God, it’s like they have some sort of bizarre hive mind. Now the practice begins. First by balancing a book on thy head. To prove she’s the odd girl out, Sam instead reads ‘em like they should be and doesn’t watch where she’s going, bumping into the girl ahead of her, causing a domino effect. Dora later checks each of the girls’ perfect smiles, but denounces Sam’s fake vampire fangs. Danny and Tucker watches from afar, both of them griping and rock-paper-scissoring on the many girls they’re dating. I expected this kind of behavior from Tucker, but Danny? Ugh. Cool it, Neo. Save it for review, save it for review, save it for review.
Before anymore stupidity can be muttered from Danny’s end, the Ax Ghost returns. After a scene of Danny rescuing two guys from a falling tree caused by the almighty ax (both of whom just STAND there like useless lumps as if they were both blind AND deaf to the sound and the shadows of a GODDAMN TREE), the girls apply make-up to one another. Sam and Paulina are partnered up and each of them get a dose of what popularity and Goth make-up is like. Neither are happy. But they fit so well. Paulina especially looks rather stunning with Gothic-like patterns. Next the girls try to walk with ladylike grace, but Sam accidentally steps on Dora. Frustrated, she lets out a quick lizard-like slither with snake-like eyes, then walks away. As if we needed another big hint that she ain’t all that normal.
Sam talks this over with Danny during lunch, but he’s too preoccupied as the judge (currently getting a massage from Star). Sam leaves in anger, but Danny assures her he’ll get to the root of the problem...once he’s popularity dies down. *slaps self* Wait till the review. Wait till the review. Wait till the review. Kids start screaming; a new ghost has appeared. This time, an Archer. Danny goes ghost behind a pageant cardboard stand, then manages to stop an arrow using a Barehanded Blade Block move. Unfortunately there’s dynamite tied to the end. He gets flung back, but miraculously, the cafeteria is still intact. Paulina quickly clarifies she’s only flirting with Danny Fenton because he’s the judge and that she’s oh so totally still in wuv with Danny Phantom. Danny and the Archer takes the fight outside. Danny managed to one-up him by sneaking behind and taking his quiver, but the Archer quickly counters by smacking him with the bow, then using him as an arrow before flying away. Danny turns Fenton from the damage received and is ready to kung-pow...until two girls help him up. Back to the pageant for him. Waitforthereviewwaitforthereviewwaitforthereview.
Dora, contacting her brother from her giant ring lets him know that the ghosts she sent (ya know, Axy and Archy) are doing a bang-up job covering her tracks as a ghost by providing Danny constant distraction. Aragon ain’t no dummy and he knows Sam herself suspects. Dora promises to be more tight lip. Too bad Sam is watching all this from afar.
The pageant begins and Sam tries to warn Danny. Dora instead takes her to the other girls after a big shout over her combat boots. The Ax and Archer ghosts return and Danny makes with the fight, but two against one doesn’t settle it for the ghost boy; he ain’t doing so hot. And he’s all out of ax puns. Awwww. Lancer starts of the pageant with a short song set to the tune of "Greensleeves", wearing dorky medieval clothes only he can work out. All the girls are dressed and ready while Sam tries to walk out of the pageant in her normal garb. Dora grabs her by the arm and turns into her dragon form. Ooh, snap. You know that's the ultimate sign of PMS, when she turns into a literal beast. Danny meanwhile is saved by the bell (yes, he really is) when it strikes at...*squints eyes*...eight o’ clock. Not midnight, that’s too cliché, dawg. The two ghosts fly off, leaving Danny free to judge the pageant. I don’t even see why Dora needed to distract Danny. Is it just for that one scene where she had go dragon to persuade Sam?
After a series of girls showing off their talents (no, not that kind), Sam enters the stage. Eying Dora who gives off a quick dragon glare, Sam spouts a Goth haiku, squeezing in the lines, "Dora’s a ghost" repeatedly. It takes him three times to get it. *shakes head* Dora then drags her away. Danny quickly gets the message and starts to run across stage, crying out her name immediately after Lancer asks who he picks as the winner. "Are you unwell?!" Lancer spouts. Even he knows Sam isn’t exactly Miss Teenage Happy Princess pageant choice. Everybody cheers as Dora and Sam board a rising platform. There, the former places a tiara on her and they both teleport away. They end up in Aragon’s castle where he just finished announcing his bride: Sam. Wow...necrophilia and possible pedophilia. Eh, it’s the Dark Ages, fourteen was like common marriage years back then. Dora, now back in her original ghost form is trying to dress Sam nicely for Aragon later on, but she’s being so difficult. Unfortunately she cannot escape either, the tiara prevents her and only Princey Boy can remove it. Sam tries to talk Dora into the 21st century, but the disappointed princess states this particular part of the Ghost Zone is literally stuck in the Dark Ages.
In the meantime, all the girls of Casper High are flocking to the boy’s restroom, angry over Danny’s decision and ready to dispense some hurt. Dash and Kwan enter the ring to add in their own form of justice, but finds the bathroom empty. Danny and Tucker are in the Specter Speeder, halfway deep in the Ghost Zone. Unsure if she is in the GZ or not, Danny gets his answer when the SS detects Sam, a ...*ahem*..."real" world object. Even has a silhouette of her. Handy. Tucker praises "good ol’ technology", but the machine automatically shuts down the minute they enter Aragon’s gates. I didn't know the Specter Speeder had lights inside the vehicle. Dora meanwhile has Sam fit like a frilly pink princess and proceeds to finalize the process with glass slippers. Sam asks why Aragon wants her. She answers, saying he wants the unattainable, a human bride, so she chose a half ghost to pick one for her. Sam declares it maketh no senseth, much like glass slippers. Dora agrees, but what her brother wants, he gets. I detect sibling rivalry. Leaving Sam by her lone self, Sam decides to level the playing field.
Danny and Tucker notices all technology has died down, but that is an issue they need to worry about later, Danny eyes a poster of the upcoming wedding. What, no extra "e" on any of the words? I thought this was the Dark Ages? I want my extra "e"s, damn it! Meanwhile, Aragon is awaiting his bride while his entertainers merry make or as much as they can anyways. The place is about as lifeless as...well...ghosts. Sheesh, I paid ten bucks and this is what I get?! Sam enters upon Aragorn’s announcement, donned in a Gothic mixture of princess and knightly armor. Dora tries to stop her, but Sam brashly climbs up the dining table, spits watermelon seeds, then burps in front of Aragon LOUDLY. He ain’t pleased and neither is the excuse Dora gives, "Pre-wedding jitters?”" Wait. Sam has a problem with people eating and killing animals, but her using a dead pig as a skateboard is perfectly acceptable?! What kind of message are you trying to send me, kid?! That because it's dead, it doesn't count!? For that matter, how many limits can the Ghost Zone's rules on human intangibility apply? She swings from chandeliers, eats a watermelon, and drinks and spits from a grail. I thought the GZ makes them intangible to anything! Am I suppose to assume like ghosts in Earth, humans can switch this feature on and off? What gives?
Danny and Tucker combat Axy and Archy once again. Danny ends up full hogtied this time, leaving Tucker to do some hacking through the security code--oh. He chucks the PDA instead, hitting the Archer, then later slamming it into a dragon statue where it lands on the Ax Man. Damn, that’s some durable piece of machinery. Did Nintendo make it? Sam continues to create chaos, spitting water and swinging from chandeliers, much to the cheers of the citizens. Aragon isn’t happy and berates his sister, one children’s show away from physically abusing her. He makes it clear Sam isn’t wife material and is about to remove her crown, but someone pulls her away. Danny and Tucker, disguised in the Ax and Archer’s clothes (somewhat) respectfully to rescue her. Sam however didn’t needed said rescue. Indeed, give her another five minutes and she’d had been outta there.
Sam still has the tiara, so they only make it so far. Aragon declares no one steals his bride. Dora tries to politely counter his changed mind, but he harshly snaps back, "You do not think...EVER! You do as your told!" He angrily turns into his dragon form and wrecks havoc, burning the already dead tress with deadly blue flames. But not before Tucker arches PDAs at his burning nostrils ("Looks like I can get past ALL kinds of firewalls!"). After much killing of natural environments, Aragon flies to the top of the castle and lets out a piercing scream. While Danny struggles against Trogdor, Sam slowly, but surely convinces Dora that she and her brother share equal powers. It took her 1600 years to apparently recognize that, so with a push and a shove, she pulls Sam’s tiara off, then proceeds to goin’ dragon.
After a clever combat strategy from Danny where he gets Aragon to set his own tail on fire, Aragon grabs the ghost boy and smacks him to the ground. Dora comes to the rescue with Sam in tow. She nearly goes apeshit on him until he grabs her nose, ready to do her in. He tells Sam off for filling her with modern ideas, but it’s gives enough time for Danny to grab the amulet off him, forcing him into his humane self. Dora flicks him off, then blows out the fire. She then moves the clouds, causing time to work. Sam’s watch sez it’s five, but I thought it was eight. Minor error aside, Danny flies Sam and Tucker away (the latter flirting with medieval chicks) while the sun blares down on Aragon’s (likely Dora’s now) kingdom.
Back at the pageant, all the girls are ready to deliver some nasty nail scratching to Danny. He panics and declares he hasn’t chosen an official winner, so they heed their perfectly manicured nails and await the results. Oh, what do ya know? Danny picks Sam regardless. All the girls gasp and the audience (who all look like heads sticking out of bushes) cheers. Sam seems to retaliate her unique urges for a minute before she quickly removes the tiara and flowers, declaring it stupid. If she kept it, that would have been an unexpected twist, possibly justified since a moral-lesson Danny still crowned her. Eh, whatever. She and Danny leave for a night out at the Nasty Burger, arms locked and just enough for fan girls to squee while Tucker is stuck with the girls’ brutality. Star first, she won the rock-paper-scissor despite getting a rock when Paulina has paper (which covers rock, silly). Let's commence a drinking game. Every time Tucker is abused in any emotional, physical, and mental manner, have a drink. You'll be hammered in hours.
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Article Written in: Dec. 4, 2008
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